Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps

I read a quote yesterday that got me thinking, Damn, I wish I had written that!

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” -- Emo Philips 

Who is this Emo Philips?

Here's the all-knowing Wikipedia:

Emo Philips (born Phil Soltanek; February 7, 1956) is an American comedian. Much of his stand-up comedy makes the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice. The confused, childlike delivery of his material produces the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant.

Paraprosdokians?  Falsetto and confused, childlike delivery?  Wisdom of children or the idiot servant?  No wonder I’m drawn to this guy. 

Here are a few more Emo-ism (at least some of the benign ones):

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

"I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse."

"At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."


"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"

"People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi".

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

And finally, if you’re feeling like “Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps"

Try this, "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

Thank you Emo Philips.

Carpe Diem Life,

David Kuhn
CarpeDiem-Life.com